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Rael raves

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August 24th, 2014

If you don't bring anything to the table, you don't eat. Discuss.
________
I wrote:

It depends if people can contribute.
I used to have a lot of philosophies that were about work, and strength and all. When i was younger though I was strong. I weightlifted, and I was a foot messenger, so I would walk all around the island all day, then walk downtown and go dancing.

Then I got sick. And everything I used to believe went out the window. It had to, because if I'd remained a Darwinist the only option would be suicide. By my own philosophies, I was no longer worth being alive. I was a burden.

I'm not gonna get all social justice-y, but one must consider their privilege, because a lot of those types of philosophies are woefully ableist.

There are handicapped people, yo. and the injured. And the poor. Some of them are there from laziness or their own stupidity, but even if they are, that's their own mindset now, isn't it? If they aren't at least helped a little they may never get back on their feet.

And some of us? May never get back on our feet, because circumstance means we have no feet to stand on, either figuratively or, in some cases, literally.

It's hard to not be bitter and, at times, ungrateful if you do have to rely on others. But the assumption that anyone who can't pull their own weight is simply no good is a messed up thing. Ok, maybe they can't walk, or earn, or help with the housework, etc. but who is to say that makes a person utterly worthless? If we went purely by mobility, wouldn't Steven Hawking be useless?

There are plenty of people whose body is of no use to them anymore, but who can contribute richly in terms of what they can think up. There are artists, scientists, coders, etc. who don't necessarily contribute in strongarm ways, but who still contribute.

And then ok, let's say there's some folk who absolutely don't have anything to bring. They have no or decreased mobility. And on top of that they have no real skills they can contribute anymore, either through infirm, or the very real depression that comes with the realisation you can't contribute anymore. Shouls we just throw them to the wolves?

To me, proof of a person's character isn't how they treat their fellow contributors. It's how they treat someone who is helpless, or who can give nothing back. That is real empathy, and to me empathy is what determines a person as good or not.

August 15th, 2014

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http://urulan.deviantart.com/journal/30-years-ago-I-was-too-punk-Apparently-now-I-am-379006901

Another blast from the past. I just wanted to repost this because it saddened and disgusted me anew that this compilation- put together by someone from Connecticut and rejecting ACTUAL VERMONT punk girls like, oh, I don’t know, me, for example has gotten publicity for their bullshit fake “Vermont grrl’ compilation.
( http://bitchmagazine.org/post/bitchtapes-diy-feminist-punk-still-rules )

The details are in the journal I posted, but for the tl;dr attention span crowd- yeh. I’ve been in punk and grunge bands on and off since the late 80s. I moved to VT in 1988, but before that I was part of the scene in Greenwich Village, not only a regular attendee of matinee shows at CBs, but I also played shows at and can remember places like Neither/Nor, ABC No Rio and the No Se No at RivSkool.

I was the editor of my own zine, Alphabitch Afterbirth, during the 90s, part of which I lived in Olympia WA.

But, you know. Not punk enough for these posers.

I suffer from depression. This shit nearly broke me. I’ve had a lot of blows from people trying to erase my importance and relevance in scenes I was a part of from the very beginning.

As I said then, is relevant still now:

What can YOU do? Not much, really. It’s their label, and whoever runs the sandbox makes the rules, of course. But you can go to their page if you’ve ever liked any of my music, my zines, or my show, and you can tell them any ways in which you think they’re wrong. I doubt they’ll answer or care, but it’d be nice to know I had at least a few folk who noticed I was there. Here’s their page:

https://www.facebook.com/StickshiftRecordings

August 10th, 2014

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Had a pretty good meditation this afternoon. I'm trying to get over another big depression bump. Most of it was topical- a couple of incidents of human meanness that just left me really raw. I don't think people get (or maybe they do and just don't care) what depression is like. I have to be really careful not to let life's disappointments hit me too hard, because it is a chemical imbalance in my body, and when i let in the chemicals that happen when you are sad, I can't just dispel them again. It's got to be irritating to have a friend who starts crying over cut flowers or catcallers on the street, but that's kinda what I need now, is friends.

All very well and good, except since I've been housebound for awhile now due to the infirm stuff, I barely know anyone anymore.

And it's not like I'm calling the friends I DO see insensitive or unuseful, either. I'm not being abused. What's up is I need someone I can confide in, and actually be sensitive with, and no one I know at this time can be that for me.

So getting back to meditation is important. In the end, all we have is ourselves, really. Our connection to that self and, by proxy, our connexion to others, to Other, to everything.

You can't breathe underwater if the pipes to your air are clogged. No one really has the time or the abilities to help me unclog this thing, so as it must be done I'm trying to find the way to do it for myself.

I just recently started being able to daydream again! I'd kind of lost my connexion to that because there was just so much noise and confusion going on in my head. It was mega disappointing I'm not going to be at the Rainbow tonight, for example. But I've just rediscovered that I can revisit any place I've ever been, or imagine up entirely new realms to wander in.

I've discovered the palace of my mind.

Since I'm sad anyway, I figured I may as well use that, so I decided to give myself closures I hadn't actually been able to get in reality. I said goodbye to a few people who had died, and imagined a scenario or two with folk who haven't yet. That way when the time comes they really DO die or I realise we've just drifted too far apart I won't miss them as much.

Then I took a walk in old NY and came up with some ideas for scenarios to try later. If I can't go adventuring in the flesh I may as well go for an intergalactic cruise in my head! It beats playing Candy Crush all day, anyway. (facebook still sucks, by the way.)

July 31st, 2014

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I had some sort of long elaborate dream that had something to do with time travel. The posse of people I seem to always have in dreams and I had to do something to prevent something else, and at one point I think it was my friend Ozzy who decided to go (we speculated that it was not necessarily just to circumvent the event, but to go act on a transaction he may not have otherwise.) I think the agreed upon signal was to make an animal sound, but instead of barking like a dog he just yelled "Woof" before wandering off to embark on his altered timeline way.

I got up and began thinking on this idea. Time travel. I thought maybe with some sort of added thing, so that it would make a fun crossover RP, like perhaps they can also wander into works of fiction- movies, TV shows etc. If so, I would want someone to play Abed (sp?) from Community. It would be fun to have him periodically break fourth wall and let the characters know something about themselves only a fan of their home media would know.

Because all the best tales have a grim and super serious narrator, I figured the mission would be something that would eventually culminate in a pop idol having to be assassinated for the good of all mankind. I thought maybe Justin Beiber. I remember hearing that he had once insulted a fat girl who was a fan of his, so I thought maybe our narrator might be that girl's older brother. His sister died as a result of that insult. Her self esteem was shattered and her heart broken when her idol turned out to be such an utter douchenoodle, and in an unaltered world his kind of crass would become the norm. An unrepentant Beiber would tell the press that it was perfectly okay to insult and humiliate people and that bullying was something to be proud of, not hated. From the horde of Belieblers would rise an army of mean girls and callous prettyboys, who took to heart his message that anyone not born cute didn't deserve any kindness or mercy. They would take to the streets like some kind of Hitler Youth, attacking random ordinary people just because they could and didn't care.

So. Now we have a motive for this insanity. Along the way our protagonist will build up a smallish army of folk he meets as he gets the hang of this mode of transport, since a method to move through time AND fiction would probably, by its very nature, be buggy. Maybe it could be tainted in some way, early in the travel. Silent Hill is my comfortable go-to. I have been in a few Silent Hill RPs and am just very fond, somehow of the idea of an abandoned town where one has to face their nightmares, and a pantheon of monsters born of the player character's own history and the bizarre history of the town.

I think it would be fun to have actors who play characters get dragged in as well. Maybe even begin to take on their characters' characteristics as they travel. I had this funny idea of a trip through a show convention- like, ComicCon or whatever. Misha Collins tags along because it just amuses him, but then initially he is annoyed by references to Castiel ("I'm not an angel," Misha said, scowling. It took him a few to become self conscious enough to realise everyone was looking at him because the character he played tended towards this very expression.) and then, as he realises the potential, becomes elated ("I -am- and angel!! I can fly!" he exclaimed with glee, and proceeded to muck about with the cosmic rift he'd just figured out, appearing and reappearing at odd places and times, pulling faces and trying to prank the party. Jensen Ackles was completely unimpressed. "I need a barber!" he hollered, "this haircut is NOT working for me!")

Some people could play unadulterated characters, completely unaware of their fictional status. Because the final season has been so bleak and sad, it would be fun to rescue Eric Northman, the vampire from True Blood; released from the drama of Bon Temps he'd stir up some campy fun in this RP.

(At first he tried to find his way back through whatever portal he had come in through. Clearly he was needed in some moment of great drama- "Sookie!" he yelled, then finally turned away. Slowly. Bewildered by his new environment. Finally, as he realised there were nothing but mortals here, he smiled a fangy smile. "Well. What do we have here?"

Abed, casually eating popcorn, watching the scene unfurl. "I know you," he said, "Eric Northman." Northman's eyes widened slightly in surprise, but he quickly regained his cool. "First introduced in True Blood season 1, episode 4, "Escape from Dragon House". You're played by the actor Alexander Skarsgard, described as a 'hunky bad boy' in People magazine.

The vampire blinked. Well, he could reply to the torrent of utter nonsense the human, who seemed completely unafraid of him had spouted, or he could act. Give him a reason to be afraid.....

Eric flew across the room and took hold of the human. He leaned in and took his share of blood, then tossed the mortal down. He was about to walk on, hoping to leave the human relieved and horrified by the callousness of his mercy, but a voice behind him made him turn around, once again confused.

"Hey!"

"Hey?" Eric reiterated. They didn't usually say anything to him. They were usually so glad to have been spared.

"You bit me," Abed was already sitting up, and merely seemed grumpy about what had just happened. He inspected his shirt collar, and then frowned. Eric couldn't believe it. The human was pouting!

"I do NOT like him." Abed declared to no one in particular. "he does not get to have an important role in this story at all. Let's take a vote." )

to be continued....

July 27th, 2014

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I had this dream about a film with really bad dialogue. However, the film's dialogue was so bad some of the ideas and phrases set forth in it became en vogue due to the hipsters adopting it.

For example, at one point in the film the mains became popular, and described this as 'we were the champagne jar of the town'. After the film came out, some of the cooler restaurants began selling champagne served out of jars.

June 26th, 2014

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June 24th, 2014

FB gone

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Had a pretty disappointing day yesterday. I was hanging out in the afternoon, when Ozz told me he couldn't reach my facebook. He was going to message me an article and kept getting various weird error messages, and couldn't find my profile.
So naturally I went to go log in and see what was what.
I got this message that said my account had been suspended because they didn't think I was a real person. Apparently someone reported one of my posts as spam. Who? No idea. Sometimes if people see your game posts they flag them as spam because they don't play. Or maybe somebody in one of the forums I used to post in didn't like one of my posts and decided to be a heel. Either way, without warning, and for pretty much no reason whatsoever I haven't got facebook anymore.
Now, to be fair, 'Rael OneCloud' isn't a real name. and I've been ignoring the insistent little facebook suggestions that I give them my mobile phone number since they started making said invasive request. But, to reinstate my account, the page said, I would need to load a jpg of my ID.
Nope. Not going to be doing that anytime soon.
For one? Yeah, I have no mobile phone AND I have no ID marked 'Rael OneCloud'. I could, and maybe even will at some point make an account under Leslie.... but to be honest I wouldn't want to post from it much, because I really don't like the idea of having to have a 'real name' account if I don't want one. Scads of people know me as Rael! it's been my stage name/writing name for ages now. Most of my friends from the tail end of living in NY, and all my time in VT, WA and GA only know me as Rael. Some of them wouldn't know a Leslie if it hit them with a brick, and therefore wouldn't accept a friend request from such an odd name.
I tried scrolling through all of their not-very-helpful Help links, and looking in the search engines and forums for some solution, but facebook are nigh impossible to contact. The emails on their pages? Dead. I wrote them an email and it bounced right back. The phone number they have listed is also a zillion years old and leads to a hub with no choices that seemed useful, and there's no place to leave a message.
The page of links how to get help either via computer or by mail have inactive URLs. They don't link to anything.
So pretty much, it's a done deal. One person, out of spite or negligence clicks the spam button, and an account I've had since 2006 is just gone. All my friend contacts, all my picture albums, all my silly little journal entries. Gone.
To be sure, we've all lost stuff. Had things stolen. Broken out of relationships, jobs or projects that were the pivot of our life and leave you wondering 'what the hell do I do now??' But it's always so sudden, and it's always just such a hollow feeling when a thing is over.
Even if I could get the account back, what then? Obviously the trust is gone. If this is the new policy with facebook, I don't really want a new account, and all I'd want from the old is to grab back everything I entrusted there, my pictures and writings, and then I'd probably get all of my friends' contact info and tell them why I was leaving in search of a new social network. Who can trust their stuff in there after that?
But...yeah. Sad because this sucks. It sucks, but I also know I tried my best, and in the end it's not something I have any power over. It's not the first website I had stuff vested in that came down either, which is why I tend to remember the thing I learned first in computer class many moons ago, which is 'Save work often!'
If I'd only made backups to a different site, there'd be a lot less heartbreak and loss involved.
But I didn't.
Anyway, how's your day?

November 8th, 2012

This is SO fucked up.

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So those of you who know me & hang out with me locally know, I've been pretty much putting back together my life since Z left. I was bummed for a short while, because it seemed so fucked up for someone I had been friends with for ages to get weird and lash out, but as those of you also know, she's been pretty crazy for awhile now. 

I was sad a few days, then kinda realised that I had been putting up with her crazydom hoping she'd get it together for like, going on 2  years now. The Z I knew has been gone awhile. And I had no need for the Z that was left, a spiteful and lazy caregiver who was refusing to give any care, and would talk back as though I was the stepmother she still had issues with and she was the rebellious teenager who shouldn't have to put up with grownups bossing her around. 

Anyhoo, I've been trying to clean up the mess. Z had stopped doing housework and since I have (worsening now) arthritis I was kinda stuck leaving it this way. I've gotten a lot of help from some cool friends who saw what was going on with this. Dorothy's helped me clean stuff, Galen, Alacia... I hung on to Z's stuff waiting for her to make some kind of contact to reclaim it. Having to clean it up was a hassle too, I can tell you! It saddened and sickened everyone who saw it to see how poorly she treated her possessions! and how much of MY house was cluttered with them. Theoretically, since Z had no official residency I didn't have to wait 30 days, but that's the legal limit before you cast out a roommate's gear if no attempt to gather it or pay for its disposal has been made. I waited it, not because of legalities, but because I DID in some sense still miss my pal. I still do. I really wish she would have come to her senses and got some help- with her depression, her anger, her paranoia, her body dysmorphia, and her drug abuse. But whatever. It's not my problem anymore. 

So, I was out shopping to-day with Tobias. Like said, a lot of my friends have been really supportive about all this, because they are actual friends, you know? When I got in, I had a bunch of bags of stuff to sort and put away, but I noticed there was a message flashing on my phone. I figured it was my friend Aria, because we were supposed to hang out later. It wasn't.

Instead it was a message that had been erroneously sent to my phone because Z hadn't bothered, apparently, to mention she doesn't take messages here anymore. It was a call from a worker at one of those abuse clinics that finds safehouses for battered women, telling Z that they had accomodations for her for the next two weeks they couldn't disclose over the phone. 

WTF?! I put this person up for ages. All they had to do was houseclean and do a few chores now and then. I fed her on my dime, hung out with her, listened to her ramble about things that didn't interest me, and had supported her through the beginning of her mental illness when she was sure the neighbours were zapping her through the floorboards and were paying people to kick her teeth in. I remember once having to do a 48 hour suicide watch because she was determined she should go out there and kill her imaginary attackers and then herself. So when she'd move, I'd move, to make sure she didn't dash out of the house with my kitchen knife, which she refused to relinquish the whole time.

And now she's faking out a valuable community service by pretending I abused her. 

I don't know. I just don't know what to do. A part of me very much would like to sue her for libel, excepting of course I don't keep records of things, and it'd be a huge dragout of he-said she-said nonsense, at the end of which I'd get nothing, because of course she wouldn't pay any of it, I've no doubt. And then of course there'd be the hassle and anguish of now-we're-ENEMIES Z taking potshots at me and trying to piss me off. 

I don't know. I don't know what to do about this. Except obviously I'm pretty upset, and I'm very disappointed that anyone would sink that low. 

Especially someone I'd done so much for for so long. 

September 10th, 2012

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Who is she?

It’s kinda a shame. Everyone knows who -he- is off the bat, but what about her? No one knows the name of this actress. and probably could be knackered to find out either. Why? because she’s fat.


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